24. Christian. Chronically ill. Chronically sassy. Idiot Savant. Punk Rock Goddess. Secret badass. Chronic dreamer.
This is an open, and honest look. Into the diary of spoonie. Making sure that I document all the unpleasant; and at times tragic, humorous, ironic, painful, numbing, maddening, and beautiful moments. That happen in my life, while dealing with Chronic Illness. My hope is that, this will be the memoirs of my journey to health; happiness, and a majestically-ridiculous existence. Because when I get there, I want to be able to look back at how far I've come. And hopefully help someone like me, feel a little less alone in their spoonie lives, by visiting The Spoonie Kingdom.
So... It will be either that, or an uncomfortable, confusing, mood swing laced, and moderately disturbing blog. Where I chronicle my journey to the nut house, with a padded room, with my name on it. Either way, this should be fun.
Welcome To The Spoonie Kingdom♔
Enjoy your stay.
It’s the most wonderful time OF THE YEARRRRRRRRR!
I’m not sure what’s more fun about PMDD.
The mood swings, so violent, I go from suicidal, to irate, to uncontrollably crying.
The weight gain, and bloating SO SEVERE I almost can’t get around.
The pain in my uterus, that feels like tiny midgets rip my insides apart.
Bouncing back and forth between SO HORNY, I can’t stand it. To being so repulsed by men, I could literally vomit.
Or perhaps, the insomnia. Let me tell you about the insomnia. NOTHING. I repeat, NOTHING puts your ass to sleep. Ambien, is like taking air. It takes an act of fucking congress, to get you to sleep. And when you do manage to sleep? You sleep poorly, and only for a handful of hours. This shit, goes on for DAYS. And it literally drives you to the brink of madness.
Fuck you PMDD! You; miserable, vengeful,Syphilitic whore.
I just wanted to take a moment, to give a shout out to the best people on earth. “The non-spoonie friend”. The person who has no fucking idea how your world works, but still walks with you through it. This person has empathy, they genuinely care for you, and hurt for you. They don’t know how you do what you do, and they support you. Without the bullshit, without the backstabbing. They ask questions, they listen. They are a God-Send. Because not the the spoonie community is fucking amazing. But sometimes, it’s nice to have a friend that’s not a million miles away.
My non-spoonie friend is the best. I love her so much, and I’m so grateful to her on days and nights where I want to give up.
She’s loving when she needs to be, but knows how to bitch slap me into shape. Especially when pain consumes me.
Here’s to you healthy friends!
You’re our favorite free spoons.
This post, is for you.
I’m officially in that PMS (PMDD) timeline (haze). It’s just so heavy… and it’s so thick and foggy. All of the sudden my depression deepins, it grows roots! My anxiety worsens and makes me feel like with each step, the world shakes around me. I feel so isolated and alone… to the point where I purposefully isolate myself. Why? Because no one understands. You don’t understand. I don’t even fucking understand. I want you to stay with me and leave, at the same time. I want to crawl into a dark hole and into someone’s arms, at the same time. Every. Little. Fucking. Thing. Is this this monumental soul crushing let down.
I feel like the world hates me, and I fucking hate it right back.
I say things I don’t mean, I think things, I don’t really think. I want things, I don’t really want.
I want to cry, all the time.
I feel like the world has given up on me, abandoned me, and is plotting against me.
I feel guilty for every breath I take.
I ache all over.
The weight of the world is on my shoulders to the point where I walk like every step is painful. …And it is.
I hate myself. I hate the monster in the mirror.
She’s mean, she’s hateful, she’s pathetic, worthless, useless and a pain in everyone’s ass.
So she lays on a heating pad, closes her eyes, and reminds herself. It’s just PMDD.
I don’t know what annoys me more. My ever changing/fluctuating hormones… or boys.
Seriously boys? You are as annoying if not more… THAN A FUCKING DISEASE. Ugh.